| lil update... |
[Friday, July 22nd, 2005
at 8:25am] |
trying to transfer to a different college is such a pain!!! aggrrrr!!!!
not much has been happening...just got outta summer session recently and just working at the mall....=/ i know not very exciting..oh yes and of course my bf and i are doing a lot better nowadays.......i'm happy...thank god....^_^
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[Sunday, June 26th, 2005
at 5:35pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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WOHOO!!! I GOT A JOB!!!! >_< job in retailing in a nearby mall...so far not too bad...first day was a lot of running around and then the second day wasnt a lot going on bc i was in "zone 1" the whole time and didnt rotate at all..its okay though a source of income and only part time pretty much bout 20hrs per week....
went to family party today..its strange feeling...when visiting back from college i feel more like a vistor than part of the family..=p that comes witht the whole experience i suppose...neways dunno y but i have very very tired/sleepy...
i hope everyone is doing well...i know i dont comment much nemore on anyone's lj...and i appreciate those who comment in mines...thanks...may which every god u believe be with you always....
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| quick update |
[Monday, June 13th, 2005
at 11:40am] |
things have been going...
summer isnt too bad..still dont have a job and really really need one asap!!!
been hanging out with high school friends and my bf...some issues but nothing major...
taking summer class at a local community college...
i'm thinking about taking some dramistic measures..such as not going back to my old (last yr) college due to finicial reasons and mite be going somewhere else cheaper or going to the community college for a year then going to a PUBLIC university/college...private is WAY TOO EXPENSIVE!!!...thats a very bold step on my part whatever i mite do...even if i go back to the private college it will still be bc i will have to pay ALL the loans i took out back...and its gonna rack up to about oh...$100,000 thats a lot!!! i dont want to spend my life having to pay all that back!! geezzzz....so i really really need advice and maybe encouragement on choosing a more suitable and cheaper school to attend next year...::sigh:: nervous about taking this action bc i know my parents arent going to like it...blah! oh well my life i guess...they arent helping to pay for it or going to be paying for it so....now my plan school wise is to go to a different college next yr instead of the year after....cant go study aboard nemore or maybe i can go next summer...i really want to go to Japan, New Zealand, or Australia...or work at Disney World for a summer...it'll be fun fun i know it!!! >_<
i am poor a$$ broke!!! i need to pay bills and stuff though....thats y i need a job...ahhhh!!
and then in the end its all not that serious <--wise words fr. bf
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[Friday, June 10th, 2005
at 10:11pm] |
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ppls sux...i'm just w/e....::sigh:: (hidden tears)
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| summer |
[Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
at 5:32pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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since i've been outta school for the semster...i've been home for a week (hanging out with my bf and friends and trying to find a job)...then i went to a camp and tomorrow i'm starting summer classes....and still in need for a job!!! thats a MUST have!!! ::sigh:: i dont have internet at home so it'll be a lil harder to read others LJ and update...=( a whole summer without internet...this is one of those random special occassion that have internet access...well i hope everyone is doing well!!! ^_^ have a wonderful summer!!!
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| home soon |
[Monday, May 9th, 2005
at 12:11am] |
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mood |
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going back home for the summer!! that means i have to get a job!! asap!!! agrrrr....and crap!!! i just swallowed my gum!!! dont even know how that happened!! try coughing it back but yea...=/ and i gtg now bc i have massive about of papers to finish writing...bloody papers!!! ack!
school's out!! my bf gonna come pick me up tomorrow morning!! and i still havent packed!! =/more work for me to do...aside from numerous errands and finish papers...ahhhhhhhh!!!
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[Monday, April 25th, 2005
at 11:56am] |
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fk!!!....i'm so PO at myself.i binge ad purge yesterday, and binge and purge some more....then i just binge and couldnt purge nemore but i just felt gross all nite!!! ugh!!! going to restrict today bc of yesterday...i still feel sick from it....in a way i want to restrict and then another say wth just do whateer u want and binge.....must be strong fight the urges...=( feelin gross...so i doll-up for myself to boost a lil esteem...
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[Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
at 3:28am] |
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REALITY SUX!!!...im a dreamer and gonna stay a dreamer....
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| ::sigh:: |
[Friday, April 22nd, 2005
at 8:13am] |
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mood |
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i am a sad individual...how is it that some ppls are happy?...what makes one happy...there has to be some bad/sad moments in life, yes...but one shouldnt linger on those moments or thoughts of saddness...how do one get over them?...forget and move on...can only look and hope for the best to come...
(sometimes when you know you have a cetain problem and you know all the affects it'll have on you and maybe others, it doesnt change that you have that problem...you admit to yourself, "okay, i have this problem"...but then what?...you recongize it and you know about it...but still you have it...what are you doing to change it?...do you want to change?...why do you have this problem?...hmmmmmm..........)
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[Thursday, April 21st, 2005
at 2:32pm] |
ummm yea....so many things to do...exams are coming up and i need to do papers and projects and presentations and ahhhhh....and then starting issues with bf but nothin major yet....bc i want to go study abroad for a sememster in Austrilia or New Zealand and well my bf and i are issuing on what to do if i do end up going...should we break up or stay together....we both dont want to break up but carrying out a long distance relationship for about 5 months in different continent will be kinda hard to do...and you know we arent married or anything etc etc...but ummm yea i dunno...whatever happens happens dont stress too much about it now bc its just a thought of a possiblilty not for sure yet.....and then also we most likely mite end up going to the same college after i get back from studying aboard...
on another note- i feeling way disgusted with myself!!!! keep doing the smae old same old nothing new nothings change....maybe i'm too comfortable with myself for change....or maybe i dont want change bc that means actually having to do someting different....neways.....okay the end i need to go start my paper now....
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[Monday, April 18th, 2005
at 2:26pm] |
had a wonderful weekend (sunday)...my bf came to visit me ^_^ then we went out with some of our friends and just reminise...good times...good times...
but now i have massive work that i didnt do...so i have to work on ALL that now...=/ ahhhh...schools almost out though which is a good thing...i'm excited...but in dare need of a job for the summer though....
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[Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
at 1:48am] |
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...when you have nothing left to lose...then why is there still pain?...i guess it means that u think u have nothing left but u really do still have something left, otherwise you would feel nothing...but when feeling nothing, nothing is still something, so you will always have something regardless of what you think and feel....thus proving: nothing=something (they are the same thing)
and that something can come from nothing...
*ummmmm i was just randomly thinking of this....
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[Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
at 7:54am] |
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i just want to be happy...is that so wrong?....
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| i don't know!!! |
[Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
at 1:12am] |
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mood |
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 AAAAHHHHH..... |
] |
I dunno why i was so mean to my bf tonite i was just in a bad mood i suppose...but then i was trying to figure out what put me in a bad mood to begin with...think think think.....my day hasnt been the worse....it was a 'normal' day...nothing special really....then i thought more deeply about it and came to the conclusion that it was bc i had just eatin and felt guilt for eating...bc it wasnt the most healthy food...fast food of chicken sandwhich and fries and to top it off with a strawberry cheesecake milk shake....f*ck!!! i was pissed at myself bc i binge on such a meal and wanted to purge but didnt want to and wanted to at the same time but then my bf call before i could purge...i was so irrated with him over the phone and i was just plain mean...when he asked what was wrong i didnt want to tell him that i was mad bc i wanted to purge....bc i knew that he would get mad at me and i hate it when he gets mad at me...well....there was a lot of long silence....but then the more i think about things the madder i got at other issues...such as how far away we have to be from each other...and just ugh!!! and it seem like he was blaming ME!!! me for going to school about 2hrs from where he lives....ummm....not my fault?....gezzzz....and it was just builting up and boiling inside me...overall, i think i was just utterly disgusted with myself for binging and not working out and my bf went to play soccer for 2hrs, thats his workout, and all i did was sit on my fat ass doing nothing...not even doing anything productive!!!! was i jealous of him?...bc he went and did something useful of his time while i sat here moping?....maybe.....maybe not....i dunno....the night ended badly...with my bf not wanting to get off the phone even though he was tired and falling asleep...and eventually he hung up, irriated i'm sure with me....me in still a foul mood bc i dont know what the f*ck is going on!!!....theres so many things that need to be done and i need to do.....but the matter of getting it done is not happening.....
side note: i told my bf some of my dreams...and i suppose they were only always the bad dreams...i guess i cant remember any good dreams....thats if i have any anyways, but dont think that i have had a good dream in awhile....most of my dreams are pretty dark and gloomy....but he said that i have a touble soul...maybe he's rite....this is probably why i rarely sleep at nite bc of these dreams/nightmares....they really arent the best of dreams....for example most recent dreams that i remember deals with dead ppls....1) i find a dead person wrapped up in plastic stuff in my drawer, and just bolted outta my room screaming like a mad person....2)i was in a mental house/hell (not the typical hell though) or some place. i wanted some cereal for breakfast but my cereal was hot...then a little boy begging for food but no one saw him but me and i gave him some cereal and i went to this lady who i thought was his mother and asked her why she wasnt feeding she wasnt feeding her child and she screamed at me that she didnt have a sone, her son was dead!!...dream skip to my apartment and some random kids that i promise dinner...going to house gave kids the keys..which apartment was mine?...there was two door on the same floor with the number 4 (the number 4 is consider bad luck in japanese and chinese culture bc it is similar to the word death...i know i'm not japanese or chinese but supersitious have its reasons rite?..) anyways the kid opens the wrong door...what do these dreams have anything to do with me?...are they trying to say something...
while at my stay at this college...it has not been the best of times...i'm in massive debt bc its a private college, but my parents really wanted me to go here....ugh...things i do to TRY to make them at least some what happy but they still arent happy....why bother?.....i suppose all i can really do is keep trying...and also deep down inside i just want their approval...thats all i want...i just want to know that no matter what choices i make in life things will be okay....(and of course i'm not one to try and ruin my or other ppls life on purpose)....things have so much of a deeper meaning than what it really looks like...if only i can make them understand...but then i dont understand them sometimes/many times either....so =/ yea....my roommate that i did have gave me massive about of issues...but shes gone now...only down the hall though...and then there is just so many things that happened this year of my college experience that i REGRET soo soo much!! i wish i could take things back and not do the things i did....but i cant change the pass i know....but i think that mite be one of my problem as well...i cant let go of the pass....i cant forgive myself...
**God please help me!!!**
(sorry this entry is so so long...i just had a lot to say and idk how to do a cut)
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| caring.... |
[Thursday, April 7th, 2005
at 1:42am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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its saddening...but i care enough to care but not enough to do anything about my problems....there are so many...or maybe they just seem that way to me bc i am such a slacker!!!....i'm so mad at me rite now in a sense but then again i kinda have this "i dont care attitude" as well...i need help...maybe some real consoling would help...ha! doubt it...i dunno...theres so much that i should be doing and could be doing yet i still dont do it....example, i should be studying for a math test for tomorrow but i'm here updating on how i should do it...see i mean i care enough to make the note that i have to study, but studying itself mite not happen...just bc i can do that...but then i dont wanna fail bc that'll be a waste of money...ppls say money matters....well it does..and then again it doesnt...but then it really does matter in this world, anyways.....ahhh blah blah blah...
how do i become not lazy i NEED motivation....lots of it!!...i NEED to care...but i dont...wanting and needing are two different things...wanting and doing are two different things....
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| rethinkin college stuff..... |
[Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
at 1:48pm] |
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frustrated |
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-i'm thinking i STILL WANT to transfer....but geezzz there is so much work to transferring...not next yr though.....after my 2nd year....
-u keep saying that money is NOT an issue!! well it is!!! i keep thinking my mom and/or dad are NOT going to be the one paying back the loans!! I AM!! I WILL BE PAYING BACK ALL THE FREAKIN LOANS I TOOK TO GO TO THIS PRIVATE COLLEGE!!! AND ITS A LOT OF MONEY!!! I COULD BE SAVNG OF I DIDNT GO HERE!!! FREAKIN-AID!!.....its easy for my family to say dont worry bout money...but money is an issue....i dont want to be $100,000 in debt when i get outta of this private school....compare to a different (public) school i would only probably be half if that in debt....f*ck!!! i dont wanna be in massive debt just for my undergrad. what if i want to go to med. school or vet. school or grad. school!!! aaahhhhh!!!!!
-this is so ridiculous!!!...stupid decisions i've made to try and make my mom and dad happy and other ppls!!....freak!!
-plan: after 2yrs general education here...i want to transfer to maybe UNCW like i originally wanted to go to.....its much cheaper too!!...its about $10,000 (tution and room and board)...it has a good (marine) biology department....
-go here fall semester
-try to go study aboard during spring semester!!....wanna go many places but i think ima go to Australia bc they have a good biology program there!!
this is so frustrating.....geezzz!!! but i guess i did this to myself!!.....not knowing more when i was in high school......
and also what worries me is that my bf is going to be so far away..its already hard enough as it is with the distance we have now...and he's going to be playing soccer for his college too...he's not going to have a lot of free time...we might not see each other often enought to be bf/gf!!!....but like i said to him....its kinda like one of those relationship/couple where the guy (usually) is in the military and the girl is at home (so to say)...but eveything still works out!!...gezzzz....i thought it was going to be simple....and i know ppls shouldnt go to a school/college just bc thier bf/gf goes there but sometimes it makes me want to transfer to the school he's going to, so we can be closer together....
i suppose whatever happens, happens....=/ ::sigh::
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| plan |
[Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
at 1:39pm] |
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sometimes i think ppls get so caught up in their fantasies of what they can do and want to do that thye forget to actually do what they intended on doing and it just gets further and further aways from them....i think i have this problem...ha! i plan to do so much stuff but in the end little is actually done bc i plan too much instead of doing...for example i plan on writing a paper for class or reading a book but i just keep planning and planning...i dont actually do it...i suppose its the thought that i actually plan something and mite do it that comforts me the idea of it not actually doing it...i am such a procrasinator!! and i make up so much excuses!! i'm lame....i just dont understand how i can get a hold of things and get control........ha! i just thought "i'm going to make a plan of how to take control of my life"...ugh!! everything bout me is about planning things....and as we all know things that are planned usually can get messed up by somehting unexpected.....the idea of having a plan, i always thought, would help me go through with something more likely....but i suppose i am really just THAT lazy!! =/
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| CLOVER (manga excerpt) |
[Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
at 4:15pm] |
~ Clover ~
I want happiness
I seek happiness
to cause your happiness
to be your happiness
so take me
someplace far away
to a true Elsewhere
please take me there
magic that lasts
never-ending kiss
revery without break
unperishable bliss
take me
I want happiness
birds sing
song of unknown tongue
though winged, they
still fail to reach the sky
a place not to be treaded alone
so take me
to a true Elsewhere
wet feathers,
locked fingers,
melting flesh,
fusing minds
take me
I want happiness
Not your past
but your present is what I seek,
carefully winding back its fragile thread
please take me there
I want happiness...
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[Monday, March 28th, 2005
at 2:35pm] |
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well...nice easter break..didnt do much..just hung out with my bf....i really think that his mom has a prob. with me...or i dunno i guess i just do a lot of things she disapprove of...but =p i dunno....neways....went to the park on friday with bf and his bro flew a kite...lol...it was fun...then we got bored and went to bf house to chill for a lil; he ended up shooting paintball gun...went to eat..ugh...ate soooo sooo soo much....felt sick they challegned me to eat 4 slices of massive pizzas....then we were going to go see a movie or rent/buy a movie but couldnt decide lol then we got locked outta the car and had to wait for my bf mom to give us the spare...lol...then she gave us the wrong spare and we had to wait some more....went to bf uncle house and chill with his family for the rest of the nite...saturday stayed home and did some hw and research....then after bf got off work went to see Meet the Fockers...lol...very funny movie...afterwards went to eat..ugh...=/ Sunday went to church with bf and bf mom then lunch (i ate so much its kinda saddening..) after lunch went to bf house and chill there then went over to our friend's house for a lil easter get together...back to bf house and we spent the rest of the nite cleaning his room...it was fun..but his room was sooooo messy....its still not done but i had to leave so he's hopefully gonna finish cleaning it!!....today....hmmmm...doing hw and just stuff getting ready to go back to dorm....blah....
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